Please, don't read to much into this. It's just a letter I wrote to my friend. Don't lecture me, I will not listen to. I do not care what you have to say if I do not know you. Hell, I might not even care what you have to say if I do know you.
Have you ever heard the song "i feel like dying" by lil wayne? Well, that's how i feel right now. Like, the only time i'm ever happy, the only time i can deal with things anymore is when I'm high. when i'm high, i can't think about anything but being happy. i can't be sad. but as soon as i come down, and it leaves my system im stuck with these horrible fuc.king thoughts again. and i hate that. i hate that this is the only way i can be happy anymore. i will not let myself become like that. i will not become like my mother.
but i just...i really don't fuc.king know anymore, Tara. I'm feeling so fuc.king sad all the time. about everything. I have friends now, but i feel more alone than ever. i feel like i can never tell anyone the complete truth, because i can't let myself be that fuc.king vuneralable, because i dont want them to know how honestly pathetic i am. how fuc.king weak and dependent.
I'm loosing hope in absolutely everything. I lost all hope in myself a long time ago. but now i'm starting to loose hope in jessie, in my other friends. im loosing interest in school, sometimes even in my writing. there are days when i know, and im being completley serious, that if i had a gun in my house, i would shoot myself. i can't deal with this again. i know what's coming soon. i think about dying every single day. i think about just fuc.king stopping this. i'm becoming more and more repressed within myself. sure, i'm happy with my friends and i like spending time with them, but its only when im with them. it doesn't really fix the problem. i still feel fuc.king miserable when they leave. i still hate myself.
i know that i will never be good enough for anyone. i let everyone down. i'm probably letting you down right now, by not believing in myself. it feels like everyone is moving on, living life, and i have no fuc.king clue what i'm doing anymore. when i think about where i want to be in five years, the honest answer is dead. i want to be fuc.king dead by then. i don't want to live anymore. i want someone to just fuc.king kill me, because i'm too much of a puss.y to do it myself.
I swear the only thing, and i mean the only thing that is stopping me is that i have no way to do it that's sure fire.
i want to make my friends proud of me, i want to finish that novel, i want to go to huntington beach just like i planned to do with lisa, i want to go to senior prom, i want to find a boyfriend that loves me for who i am, i want to have sex, i want to keep partying. i want to do so many things that requires me staying alive.
but more than anything i just want to stop existing. i really just want to dissapear foREVer. i want to just be erased from everyone's memories so they don't eveer have to remember the pain i caused them or will cause them.
i really just want it all to end. but it never ends. it never ends.
*if you read all of this, put your favorite color.