A Trip Into Bat Country

FUCK. I miss you. A Lot. a lot more than I thought I could. I still think about you whenever The Devil Wears Prada comes on, especially Reptar. I remember that's the first song i heard you play on the guitar. We were sitting on Lily's porch. And I fell in love with that song instantly, it's still my favorite song.
 
I bet you don't even know who I am even more. Now that I miss you more than ever.

Please, don't read to much into this. It's just a letter I wrote to my friend. Don't lecture me, I will not listen to. I do not care what you have to say if I do not know you. Hell, I might not even care what you have to say if I do know you.
 
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Have you ever heard the song "i feel like dying" by lil wayne? Well, that's how i feel right now. Like, the only time i'm ever happy, the only time i can deal with things anymore is when I'm high. when i'm high, i can't think about anything but being happy. i can't be sad. but as soon as i come down, and it leaves my system im stuck with these horrible fuc.king thoughts again. and i hate that. i hate that this is the only way i can be happy anymore. i will not let myself become like that. i will not become like my mother.
 
but i just...i really don't fuc.king know anymore, Tara. I'm feeling so fuc.king sad all the time. about everything. I have friends now, but i feel more alone than ever. i feel like i can never tell anyone the complete truth, because i can't let myself be that fuc.king vuneralable, because i dont want them to know how honestly pathetic i am. how fuc.king weak and dependent.
 
I'm loosing hope in absolutely everything. I lost all hope in myself a long time ago. but now i'm starting to loose hope in jessie, in my other friends. im loosing interest in school, sometimes even in my writing. there are days when i know, and im being completley serious, that if i had a gun in my house, i would shoot myself. i can't deal with this again. i know what's coming soon. i think about dying every single day. i think about just fuc.king stopping this. i'm becoming more and more repressed within myself. sure, i'm happy with my friends and i like spending time with them, but its only when im with them. it doesn't really fix the problem. i still feel fuc.king miserable when they leave. i still hate myself.
 
i know that i will never be good enough for anyone. i let everyone down. i'm probably letting you down right now, by not believing in myself. it feels like everyone is moving on, living life, and i have no fuc.king clue what i'm doing anymore. when i think about where i want to be in five years, the honest answer is dead. i want to be fuc.king dead by then. i don't want to live anymore. i want someone to just fuc.king kill me, because i'm too much of a puss.y to do it myself.
 
I swear the only thing, and i mean the only thing that is stopping me is that i have no way to do it that's sure fire.
 
i want to make my friends proud of me, i want to finish that novel, i want to go to huntington beach just like i planned to do with lisa, i want to go to senior prom, i want to find a boyfriend that loves me for who i am, i want to have sex, i want to keep partying. i want to do so many things that requires me staying alive.
 
but more than anything i just want to stop existing. i really just want to dissapear foREVer. i want to just be erased from everyone's memories so they don't eveer have to remember the pain i caused them or will cause them.
 
i really just want it all to end. but it never ends. it never ends.
 
*if you read all of this, put your favorite color.

I just realized soemthing....today is the seven year anniversary of me hearing Avenged Sevenfold for the first time. All it took was listening to "Streets" one time and I was in love. They became my favorite band that day, the first band to really make me feel something. They're still my favorite band today.
 
Today is also the seven year anniversary of me becoming best friends with Lisa. Once we spent this day together, everything changed. We're were inseperatable from here on out. Right until the very end.
 
Today, seven years ago, was when my life changed foREVer.